oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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