my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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