so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
