Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
