32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
