I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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