Just fell off a train. Bad.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
