Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
