Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
