I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
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I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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