I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
