They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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