I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Two words: blizzard sex
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
