12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
