Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
