I wish my penis had an off switch
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
