Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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