Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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