I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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