you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
