so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
