I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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