woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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