jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
