I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
