After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
