Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
