You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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