I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
