Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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