I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
