ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
