is your mom at the bar?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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