dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
