I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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