So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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