Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
