your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
