Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
