On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
