I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
