some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
