i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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