Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
