He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
