I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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