when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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