Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
This house was built for laser tag.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
