I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
