If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
