Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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