shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
