it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
