The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
