dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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