I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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