I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
