You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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