Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
