You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
